Friday, October 28, 2011
I'm guilty
I talk a really good talk about how I don't seek or need approval. I mean, I'm really good at saying that I don't care what other people think of me and the decisions that I make....and saying"until they walk a mile in my shoes, they can't talk".....but here's what I have found in recent weeks, and actually was my epiphany this evening as I was partaking in one of my favorite pasttimes....rocking my Bear.....I truly don't care what other people are doing with the choices they make in their lives as long as it makes them happy; nor do I care what they think of me in the choices that I make for my own.....BUT.....here it is; I disguise my need for making sure I'm not f"in up through this wonderful and evil word called validation. Oh yeah....I said it ;O) I have a really bad habit that I am trying desperately to break of needing validation, albeit from people I truly trust and love, when I am making what I deem big decisions.
Don't get me wrong.....I'm totally true to form in the act first, think later mentality of things....hell I took myself from a soft Charlize Theron, whom my husband swears I look like; and well let's face it...that's all that freakin' matters.....to a hard core Halloween Elvira in the haircolor department and then back to a 1st season of Friends Jennifer Aniston in less than 24 hours. So, pulling the trigger isn't my problem.....it's not chasing down the bullet to make sure I don't need to redirect its trajetory that I'm weak in.....hence the validation. :) In fact in the past few weeks, I have struggled mainly because although I work for a rocking company, my job is less than satisfying; and my baby is racing through 2s at the speed of light....and my 38 year old body is pretty sure that this baby making factory is closed :) but I hold out for the lottery :)....and my girls are both in elementary school and the days fly by....and well, you get the idea :)
And in times like this, I borrow trouble..because well, hell....it's easy. I look for things to control and fix. and it's freakin' exhausting and detracts me from what I need to do......so today's epiphany took root in the awesome experiences I had as essentially a SAHM today......i.e. stay-at-home-mom.....and aw holy hell! I loved it.....to the chase I go.
Here's what I'm good at.....being an awesome wife and mother; my kids and husband afford me the wonderful true freedom of being me. did I mention I wore a cloak and lime green witch hat with tulle and fake spiders to an elementary school today :) and in that freedom of being me, I was able to focus on my mantra....the very phrase that I am toying with tatting on my inner wrist, along with a foot tat; ......just breathe...............
And in breathing today; here's what I got...my decisions, they are mine and they effect the people I love and take care of; and obviously He thinks I can do it so that's enough for me. My hair, regardless of color, doesn't define me but is in fact an accessory that I have the luxury of changing at a moment's notice because my George Clooney husband (again, I'm the only one that has to see it) doesn't love my hair....he loves me :). And hell yeah I'm going to screw some things up but it what I do after the fact on my own two feet that matters.....
Just breathing, just believing, just trusting, just running, just being......kids get it right; and thank God for the ones I have and the one I married because they reminded this 38 year old awesome specimen of a woman today that this life is a good life.....to be lived together and loved fully and to be truly ours and only ours.....HOT DAMN......I'm a lucky lady!!!
Screw you validation....I don't need you anymore. Whatever I screw up and with whatever hair color it might be, I'll be just fine on my own :)
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2 comments:
Okay seriously, there is SOMETHING about hair that is just such a big deal for women. I am like the least girly girl ever and even I get obsessive about my hair. I even recently wrote about this:
http://jonandlaura.blogspot.com/2011/08/this-is-so-much-more-important-than.html
So don't let something like hair get to your head. hahahahaha.
I'm also live and let live but sometimes you wonder if you're screwing everything up and need confirmation that it's all going to be okay.
PS. LOVE the family pic!! hee hee
Great job, Kelly. It's a hard point to come to and even harder to live it. So many of us struggle from the same thing. But i have all confidence that you can and will do it. You will beat this thing. You have the right idea -- just breathe.
hugs - tracy
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